Internet trends that need to DIE. And selfie mockery.

At the end of last year, I made a list of 13 phrases to eliminate in 2013.

Well, apparently y’all didn’t listen, because people are still talking about “vacas” like they’re going out of style. And the cows don’t appreciate it. But I’d like to add a few things to that list.

With no further ado…

1. Hashtags. I hate to use Jimmy Fallon again when I just used him yesterday, but he and Justin Timberlake hit it on the head in this video.

Read: Your hashtags are annoying. Oftentimes they make me want to make mean, sarcastic comments about your intellect. It’s one thing if it’s a real hashtag, like you’re posting on Twitter about a trending news event, like #election2008 or #benghazi. But when it’s Facebook and it’s just #imahotty or #lovemyboyfriend or #dontwannagotoschooltoday, then it starts to annoy me. And then you have Mississippi State with their whole #hailstate campaign… y’all, I can’t put my finger on why, but hashtags are possibly the single most annoying thing on the internet.

2. YOLO/ BOGO/ FROYO, etc. Just because it sounds like a hobbit’s name does not mean it’s a cool word, especially when 13-year-olds are the main ones using it. And really… why do we need a catchy little rhymie word for “Buy one get one free?” Or for Frozen Yogurt? So two more syllables are going to kill you? And really, this YOLO trend is like the teenage internet version of, “Hold my beer and watch this.” Also, you’re right, you only live once, but you also only die once. So I’d like to see some people with some individuality use YODO. It would at least speak to your morbid, fatalistic sense of humor, which I like. (You’re welcome. You don’t have to thank me for the idea.)

3. Gratuitous selfies. A couple of pictures every once in a while, like of you and your friends, or you at the Washington Monument, or you on a good hair day: that’s cool. Nobody judges that, because we’ve all sat there and thought, “Geez, I wish I had any friends in the world. Then someone could take a picture of me looking good…” (Nobody else thinks that? Oh… well forget I said anything.) But point is, selfies are not evil in themselves. It’s you people who post 10 selfies a day that really all look the same either (a) as each other, or (b) as the ones from the day before. You know what I’m talking about. From the bathroom, the high angle, so everyone can see down your cleavage. From the front seat of your car (seriously, why does everyone do that? Is the lighting just better in the car? Are we more narcissistic when we’re driving? Do people do that for the same reason they pick their noses in the car? Because they think nobody’s looking?). At your desk, at work, looking bored (What is that about? “I’m so bored all I have to do is take pictures of myself?”). Sad, y’all.

But I have a weird selfie story: Some friends of mine and I have taken to posting selfies on Wednesdays, making fun of major selfie trends. I’ve done the pic with the toilet in the background, the one of my feet at the pool, the one of my food, the one from the gym… but you know what blew my mind? People actually asked at least two of us to post more of them. There are people who cannot get enough of Selfie Wednesday. They write with ideas for selfies they want to see (most are family friendly…) or to tell us that we need to post more… it’s kinda funny. All I can think is that it’s got to the humor factor, because I put some really obnoxious hashtags on those things, and y’all already know what I look like from the 612 pictures on my facebook.

I tell you all this to say that maybe you disagree, and maybe I’m just old and grumpy. But if you use YOLO, hashtags, or gratuitous selfies, I will get to the point where I will probably hide you from my feed so that we can stay friends.

But that’s cool, because you probably hid me years ago for being a George W. Bush fan. Now we’re even. 🙂