On workouts and health kicks, 33% more belly fat, and chocolate cake for breakfast.

So I’ve been on “a health kick” for the last few months, doing the low-carb thing and trying to get to the gym at least three times a week, mostly because I got sick of looking in the mirror and thinking, “Whoa, who are those people? Wait… that’s just big ole me.”

I was doing okay. I had (I thought) lost about 25 pounds since the beginning of the summer, but I really plateaued at some point because I just wasn’t watching the carbs and getting to the gym like I should. You know how it is: You get home from work and working out is the last thing you want to do. You want a piece of pizza and a cookie and to watch some TV and not get up until bedtime.

Dreams: One day this will be my perfect butt on that treadmill in those shorts.

So, within the last week, I have started to get up at SERIOUS zero dark thirty to get on a treadmill for an hour each day before work because I am a masochist. AN HOUR. That’s 60 minutes of SHOOT ME NOW to infomercials for Richard Simmons and whatever that stuff is you sprinkle on your food and watch the pounds melt away. Sixty minutes of, “Why are my toes on my left foot hurting again? I wonder if it’s because I wore those heels yesterday? How come I have been on this treadmill for almost a week and I don’t look like that girl on the Richard Simmons video?!? Wait… it’s only been 6 minutes since I got on this infernal contraption?”

You must understand: I have always, ALWAYS hated the treadmill. But I think it’s about coming face to face with the thing you fear most. But it’s not so much the treadmill I fear… it’s finding myself in the eternal boredom of the treadmill. There are days that I’m certain it’s eternal. Like, bad people go to the treadmill when they die, I think.

But you see, I reached critical mass (no pun intended) last week when I realized the scale at home may be (but I’m not positive and I don’t want to find out) 10 pounds low. TEN POUNDS. So all this time I’ve been thinking I’ve lost about 25 pounds since June… it’s actually like 15? No way. No freakin way I’ve been eating nothing but cheese and eggs and meat and celery for all this time and it’s only 15 pounds. If the worst case scenario is right, it’s time to kick this thing into high gear.

Here you see me and the roomie doing the treadmill thing one evening. Selfies are fun.

The early morning idea was born of a conversation with my roommate, in which she was saying the only way she’d ever get healthy was if she’d get out and walk every morning before work. Of course, I can’t keep from talking myself into stupid situations, so I said, “What if I go with you?”

I’ll let you talk to her about if she’s gotten up with me yet or not. 😉

I’ve had a lot of comments from people who want to know how I can do this, or what it takes to get started. Here’s my advice in a set of simple bulletpoints, mostly because everything I do has bulletpoints these days.

• Set your alarm for about a half hour from when you actually want to get up. That way the snooze button doesn’t do you in.
• You are allowed to say, “I really don’t think I’m going to go today… I’ll go tomorrow.” But once you have said that, you should realize that you’re already awake enough to be having both coherent thoughts and an argument inside your own head. You might as well get up now.
• Just sit up and put your feet on the floor. You might as well stand up now.
• Put on your workout clothes. You could probably work out in what you slept in, unless it’s your undies or something silky. But overall, it’s better to wear actual workout clothes. Some of us, not naming any names, have been known to sleep in the workout clothes so we can skip this step.
• Get in the car and drive to the gym. This is the second-hardest part if you ask me. Just being there, though, is a victory in itself.
• When you get to the gym, get on the treadmill. This is the hardest part. You might as well crank that baby up now.
• Start it on a low speed if you want to. Nobody’s making you go all mall-walker, though it helps if you do.
• If you can’t go but 30 minutes, start there. The next day go five more minutes, then five more, then five more. Just build up to your target goal.
• Have good songs on the iTunes. Anything with a beat you can walk to will automatically increase your speed. You’ll find yourself kicking it up after a few minutes of waking up, and then you’ll get to where you really can’t walk as slow as you used to.
• Here is the most important thing: Exercising before breakfast makes you lose up to 33% more belly fat than exercising during any other part of the day. I’m not making this up. Now… when you’re hoofing it on that misery machine at 5:30 a.m., just think, “33% more belly fat, baby.” I often entertain myself with thoughts of what I will look like in my bikini next year, and then try to plot real-world situations where I will accidentally run into my Unknown Soldier while wearing my bikini… (“Oh, hi! Yeah, it’s been a while… good to see you. Why am I at the gas station next to your office in nothing but a bikini? Well you see, what had happened was there was this burning bus full of nuns and…” Yeah… still working on that.)

I painfully overidentify with this. Go Rhino, go!

Plus, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself for just doing it. I used to make fun of those people who tag themselves on Facebook at the gym everyday, because I figured they just wanted everyone to know, “Hey, I worked out today. I’m some kind of gym badass, and maybe one day you’ll see some results besides the fantastic tan I get when I use the tanning bed.” But you know what? Now I’m one of those people. I totally tag myself at the gym every morning, if for no other reason than accountability. I want to know that if I’m not there, someone might notice, even if it’s just my mom.

And guess what else? Though I can’t do it every morning because of the low-carb diet, I had chocolate cake for breakfast this morning. Yep. Chocolate cake. Someone brought some to the office, and I ate some, and even though it wasn’t the best breakfast choice, it means a lot more now that I know it’s not going to become belly fat.

So… anyone getting up with me tomorrow?